New Endings

Step One:
      Decide who you want to be.

Step Two:
      Eliminate Obstacles.

Step Three:
      Create an Ending.

It has often occurred to me that I wanted to start over. There are choices that we all make that perhaps we are not proud of, or things that we wish that we could take back, or maybe just that cocopuff that you should have eaten before they discontinued them. Many of these we look back on and sigh and wonder vaguely what life would have been like if we had just...

But what about when these past decisions build on each other? What happens when we make so many wrong choices that we aren't making right ones anymore? "What have I done?" morphs into "Who am I?" We ask this of ourselves not because we don't know the answer, but because we would like to wish it out of existence. We look in our introspective mirror and realise that person that we thought we were, or that we wanted to be isn't the one staring back at you. Like the shock of poor Mr. Dorian Gray when he laid eyes on his own image. The book tragically (or not so tragically) ends with his demise. In some ways I think he was fortunate. He saw himself, and died. Why would we ever want to look?? We Dorians in the real world have to live with the knowledge. Who am I? I don't want to know.

I don't want to know.

But in the pursuit of wanting to be happy (ask Plato) you can't avoid it forever.

And this is where I stand.

I looked in the mirror. I don't like what is looking back at me. How did I get here? One little mistake at a time. How do I get OUT? The answer? Create an Ending.

You can't start a new you till you confront what you don't like about the old one. You can't confront what you don't like about the old one until you know what you want. And this is where step one arises. DECIDE WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

This is hard. This is really really hard. Good luck.

I want to love. I want to love freely. I want my inhibitions to melt in the pursuit of a Good beyond myself. Practically speaking: I want my friends to feel like they can trust me. I want men to respect me. I want women to find comfort in my presence. I want to tell the people who love me how I am feeling because they love me and they deserve to know. I want to feed homeless people. I don't want to lie to avoid confrontation. (I hate confrontation) I want to have patience and focus and drive. I want to be like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Jesus.

But how do I get there?

This is where most people fail. This is where I fail. I fail miserably I might add. How does one even start? I WANT TO CHANGE. Step two: Eliminate obstacles. This means: Pour out all the alcohol in your house. Tell all the boys on your phone that call you at 11 for a fun night that you are not seeing them anymore. Admit to those guys in that house with the stuff that you have a problem and can't be there anymore. Delete phone numbers, addresses, and end friendships.

But friendship is GOOD! Why am I ending good things? I take care of them! Without them, without me, someone might, I might, we might not...

When you face reality, ending a pattern involves taking away the hand, pen, and paper that were drawing it to begin with. When you are in the middle of it, by definition you can not also be above it. Clean your pallet. When you have done your housekeeping, move on to step three. You need an empty lot to build your dream house. A new beginning needs space to breathe and grow and struggle. I believe in you. I believe in me too. Oh. And one more thing. You are going to need lots and lots and lots of prayer. Ask anyone you know to pray for you. If you don't know anyone, go to a random church or such and fill out one of the little cards that is in the chairs or the little bulletins and put it in the basket or tray or metal dish. I am sure there is a hotline if you google it. =) Gotta love Google. I don't want to be broken anymore!

Create an Ending.